I have always been fascinated with details. My mother always tells me I have always been a planner. I’d plan everything out in excruciating detail at a young age and get my heart set on one specific outcome. I guess the illusion of control always made me feel better than playing something by ear. In retrospect, that’s a strange personality trait for a child – to always know how a day will be, at a time where you should be your most fluid and carefree.
Over the years I have noticed I am still like this. I still like locking things in my diary a couple of days in advance, but not too far in advance because that gives me anxiety. I also sometimes struggle if something is thrown at me last minute. So for me, I guess it’s about the perfect amount of time for planning. That’s not to say I am not spontaneous or impulsive, because I truly am. I like to plan the key things in life; work, where I live etc. The fun stuff can be as spontaneous as it comes. I have been really self reflective lately and I have really tried to let myself fall into curiosity instead of Type A planning. When you have been a certain way for so many years, and it is etched into your core, this is difficult to make this shift. It’s hard to give up what I yearn to know and something so positively intoxicating.
So many questions…Will I be okay? What will happen?
I find it so satisfying to make a list and check things off – It’s something I am so used to and rely on with running my own business and I have always enjoyed knowing the who, what, where and when of my life. There is something that feels so safe and comforting about having a plan – but is it really the best way to live? I think I’ve had enough of the heaviness that comes from dragging around a lifetime of plans. It’s too much pressure, and I have learned that even the most carefully made plans might change in the end.
I’m learning to accept that I’ll be okay if I don’t know the details because I know how I want to feel and what I want to leave room for in my life. What I have learned lately is it’s supposed to be a little scary to look out into the uncertain future. That’s the beauty of life I guess, everything is uncertain and everything is unknown and your path will reveal itself when the time is right. Part of me really wants to fight that because it still believes that having all the answers now will guarantee that everything will be okay. Maybe it’s time to start having a little more trust that I’ll find a way to be okay no matter what happens.
I have no idea where I’ll be working five years from now, or where I will be living or where my life will take me but I do trust myself to make the call when the time is right, after all, I have gotten this far.
I’ve decided to make loose plans, but, there’s no need to obsess over the details if the details aren’t clear. In doing so I am leaving room to stay curious about what happens next.
So go ahead, universe, I am in free-fall mode. I’ll be just fine.